Asking For Help Is Self-Care
In early 2021, I went to my first OBGYN appointment in over two years.
The last time I met with an OBGYN was to get my second D&C (i.e., surgery), to remove retained placenta from my uterus, two months after my daughter was born.
I experienced significant trauma as a result of my previous OBGYN’s negligence. I lost a great deal of trust in medical professionals, and I hadn’t seen an OBGYN since.
As I have previously mentioned, I am a classic Enneagram type 9 (the peacemaker), and our biggest negative trait is avoidance, especially avoiding conflict or discomfort.
I knew I had been avoiding the doctor. I was well aware of it.
I also know I want to set an example for my daughter about the importance of taking care of both our mental, and physical, well-being.
When I scheduled the appointment with my new OBGYN, I intuitively knew that it would be best for me to have my husband there, too.
Lucky for me, not only is my husband supportive, he also *literally* said in his wedding vows that he would always be there to hold my hand, especially when times are hard.
So, you better believe I held him to it.
But then, as days passed, my unhelpful thoughts started settling in.
My brain started telling me:
“Andrea, you *should* be able to do this on your own.”
“You are being dramatic. You will be fine.”
“Don’t be a burden to others.
“You *should* be over these ‘traumas’ because they are in the past.”
and on and on and on…
Woof.
So often our brains, and upbringings, are our own worst enemies.
I feel like I was raised to believe I am fine, even when I am not.
That I should do things on my own, and not ask for help (because it is a sign of weakness).
And I am tired of it. We are *social beings*. We need each other to survive.
A little trauma tidbit, we have three lines of defense in our trauma responses.
The first one is the ventral parasympathetic nervous system, and it is about how we use social engagement for survival, such as finding help when there is a threat.
When our brains recognize we may not have those resources, the sympathetic nervous system (i.e., fight or flight) kicks in and we begin to feel activated, panicky, etc.
Then, if we still perceive the danger, and feel we have no escape, our dorsal parasympathetic nervous system essentially shuts our bodies down for self-preservation (i.e., freeze).
Knowing this information, and having the awareness that going to the OBGYN would be activating for me, I didn’t sway from what I intuitively knew I needed.
Even though I logically know I am safe at the doctor’s office, my survival brain still needs time to heal.
That is something that cannot be pushed.
If anything, pushing ourselves too much, too soon, can be re-traumatizing.
I practiced self-compassion and self-care by having my husband in the appointment (It also helped that my new doctor and her team are absolutely amazing!).
I allowed myself to not have to go beyond my ventral parasympathetic nervous system.
Even though I know all the coping skills to help manage a fight or flight response, it doesn’t mean I had to risk putting myself in that activated, distressing state if I didn’t have to.
Yes, there were a lot of tears in the appointment.
Yes, I did still feel some activation in my body.
But I also felt safe. And reassured. And held.
It is ok to ask for help.
Whether it be asking a friend to do a load of laundry, or having a loved one go to a medical appointment with you, it is ok to ask for help.
We are social beings. We need each other. It takes a village.
