My Experience With Intrusive Thoughts
Content Warning: Descriptive Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts
Today is Maternal Mental Health Awareness Day.
I wanted to take this opportunity to talk a little bit about my own experience with perinatal mental health.
At around 4 months postpartum, after I went back to work, I started to notice I felt ‘off’.
It was like a slow boil and, before I knew it, I felt like I was hit by a freight train with intrusive thoughts.
One day, as I was on a walk with my baby, I had this *vivid* image of walking across the street and a car coming and crashing into the stroller.
It scared the hell out of me.
I took a deep breath and kept walking, but that was not the end of this.
The next walk, I saw the image again. And again on the next walk.
Then I would see the image of her going over the railing of a bridge, crashing onto the busy roads below.
It was a repeated occurrence. I was horrified.
So, I coped with the anxiety and the intrusive thoughts by:
wrapping the stroller’s safety strap around my wrist
gripping the handles so hard my hands hurt
and quadruple checking both ways before I crossed every street.
I also began having my husband join on the walks because I felt like my baby and I were more safe if he was there.
As a therapist, I know we are not defined by our thoughts - they are not facts about ourselves or the world, nor are they predictions of the future.
But as a new mother, where the increased stress and hormonal changes were also not helping, I could not separate myself from these thoughts.
I felt so ashamed for having the thoughts, and as the thoughts continued to get even more intense and frequent,I didn’t tell anyone about them for many months.
I suffered alone. It was when I reached out to Postpartum Support International when I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
PSI gave me hope.
If any of this is resonating with you…
You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.
Call or text Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 800-944-4773. You never need a diagnosis to ask for help.
Download the Connect by PSI App
Call or text the National Maternal Mental Health Hotline at 1-833-852-6262
In a crisis situation, call or text the National Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988
Visit postpartum.net for additional programs and resources, including FREE online support groups.
