My Mother-In-Law ACTUALLY Said This
Seattle schools had Spring Break this past week, so my mother-in-law came to town to help with our daughter while we work, and I couldn’t help but think about…
…how far we have come in the last six years.
While our relationship is far from perfect, we have come a long way…
…and it has been a JOURNEY.
We started on rocky footing, after I had my first baby. Picture it:
I had an extremely traumatic birth one month prior to her visit
I had a hemorrhage at home and needed emergency surgery the week before her visit
This was my FIRST pregnancy and I felt so vulnerable in postpartum (understandably so)
My MIL was aware of all of this.
I was changing my daughter’s onesie - something she hated - and she was crying. My MIL came into the room and said, “Oh, is your mother beating you up?”
I immediately felt my blood BOIL. I am still SO proud of myself, for how I handled that moment. I calmly said, “No, I am not hurting my child.”
Then, when my baby saw my MIL in the room, she stopped crying for a moment, and my MIL said, “Oh, did someone finally hear you?”
NOPE. I was not going to take that.
I immediately said, “I do not like what you just said. You need to leave this room.”
When my MIL expressed confusion as to why I was upset, I repeated myself: “I do not like what you just said. You need to leave this room now.”
Again, looking back on that time and remembering everything I had been through, I am very proud of myself for strongly asserting this boundary.
And I didn’t stop there. I wanted to make sure this would NEVER happen again.
It took a few more days, but I was able to calm down enough to sit down with my MIL. I said to her, “I don’t understand how a mother could ever say those things to a new mother.”
I stayed calm, and gave her the space to explain herself. I worked really hard on meeting her with curiosity, rather than judgment (even though I REALLY wanted to be judgy).
She explained to me that those statements were things that were said to her; they were things that her family would typically say to one another.
I then set the firm boundary: “I need you to consider how someone - who did not grow up in your family - would receive those messages. I will not tolerate comments like that being said again.”
And unhelpful comments have not been said again.
Boundaries are not walls, meant to keep people out; they are doors that allow people in.
I am proud of myself for setting this boundary, because the last six years could have looked very differently if I hadn’t.
What is a boundary you want to set? What are ways you can set that boundary today?
