When I Resented the Sh*t Out of My Husband

I want to preface this post by talking about how amazing my husband is. 

We met when we were 20-years-old, flirted with each other for about a year, and then have been together ever since. 

Over our almost 15 years of partnership, he has been by my side for every celebration and every hardship; supported me in all of my personal and professional endeavors; and is the best husband, friend, and father that I could ever ask for. 

That being said, I *resented* the hell out of him after our first daughter was born. 

Even though he got up with me for every night waking

Even though he was (and still is) a very present and involved parent

And even though he was (and still is) a super supportive partner and friend

I *still* resented him.

Why? 

Well, the significant hormone changes and sleep deprivation definitely did not help. 

But, while I was well aware of all the ways I appreciated about my husband during the 4th trimester, I also noticed a lot of little things that bothered me, and it added up to feel like bigger things over time:

Reason 1: My husband is one of *those* people who can fall asleep the minute their head hits the pillow and can sleep through the entire night completely undisturbed. 

So, in those early months when our baby woke up every 2-3 hours, he would get up, change her diaper while I prepped for breastfeeding, and then would *literally* fall back asleep as soon as he laid back down (while I am awake to breastfeed). 

Then, when our baby was done feeding, I would wake him up (sometimes by gently tapping him, other times by kicking him), he would wake up, lay her back in her bassinet, and immediately fall back asleep. 

While I laid awake. Only to maybe eventually fall asleep, and have minimal resting time before we do the process all over again.

Reason 2: There were a lot of times throughout my pregnancy and postpartum where it felt unfair that my life (and body) had to change to grow and birth a human, while it seemed like my husband didn’t have to alter his lifestyle. 

During pregnancy, I couldn’t: 

Eat soft cheeses (as a Wisconsin girl, this was a big one)

Go to a brewery and drink a good beer with friends

Go on long trail runs. 

In the 4th trimester: 

I couldn’t eat cruciferous vegetables (they are my *favorite* foods, but they made my baby gassy)

Still didn’t feel like I could just go and enjoy a beer with friends (I felt I was always breastfeeding)

I couldn’t do any physical activity other than going for short walks. 

My husband, on the other hand, during pregnancy AND postpartum, could eat, drink, and physically do whatever he wanted.

Which brings me to the next point. 

Reason 3: My husband got more self-care time, especially through physical activity (which is my primary outlet). 

My husband started to really get back into indoor rock climbing after we had our baby. 

As a therapist, I am all about self-care, and I wanted to support him in getting his time, especially during the first few months of being new parents. 

What, unfortunately, became an ongoing pattern was that my husband got his self-care time multiple times each week, and I wasn’t getting my own. 

It seemed easier for him to go and take time for himself, while it was so hard to get myself out the door, away from my baby, to do something for me. 

Instead of talking about it with him, as we usually do, I let the resentment stew, then simmer, and it eventually boiled over. 

What is my point of sharing all of this? 

I want to validate and normalize that it is ok to feel resentment towards your partner in the transition into parenthood. 

Going from a 2 person family to 3+ person family is a big change. 

There will be different dynamics present, and new forms of communication needed. 

Even a healthy couple, who have been partners and friends for over a decade, can also experience ups and downs. It is natural and normal to experience these different seasons, in life and in relationships. 

Looking back on it, there were so many things I would have done differently in the transition into parenthood, especially in regard to my relationship with my husband. 

I did those things in my second postpartum, and had a drastically different, more positive, experience.

Stay tuned, as I will share more over the next month!