Birth Trauma & Our Children’s Birthdays

Our children’s birthdays. Days we typically view with happiness - the presents, cake, balloons, gathering, celebrating.

For those who have experienced birth trauma, our children’s birthdays can bring up a multitude of mixed emotions.

First and foremost, I feel so much *love* and gratitude on my big girl’s birthday. She is becoming the most resilient, independent, strong, intelligent, and kind-hearted spirit. I am so proud and lucky to be her mama. She is my whole heart.

This day also brings up a lot of grief. 

While the moment of my daughter’s birth was perfect, many moments before and after were filled with fear- whether it was fear of having a stroke from the pre-eclampsia, or fear of dying from a hemorrhage.

I still vividly remember the days after her birth, when we had to stay in the hospital until my body was stable. 

I would watch my husband holding our new baby and see my whole world in front of me. 

At the same time, I was terrified of losing this beautiful life and leaving behind the two people I loved most on this Earth.

I have found so much healing over the past 5 years. 

While I was anxious about having a second child, it was one of the best decisions I have ever made. 

Not only because I get to see the most beautiful bond between my girls, but also because I was fortunate enough to reclaim my birth and postpartum experiences.

I am one of the lucky ones. I know not everyone gets this healing privilege. 

While trauma therapy and self-reflection has helped so much in my healing, the grief is still there.

My body still remembers.

So, at this time of year, I try to make more of an effort to practice my self-care.

I feel so much gratitude on my big girl’s birthday.

Not only because it is the anniversary of one of the most pivotal moments of my life, but also because I make sure to create space for myself and my own experience. 

Parents’ experiences matter, too.

The better we care for ourselves, the better we can care for our babies.