In My 1st Postpartum, My Eating Disorder Came Calling

If you have been here a while, you know I am an eating disorder therapist and I have also recovered from my own eating disorder.

I felt so strong in my recovery, until I got to my first postpartum.

When those intrusive thoughts continued to get worse, I felt like I was losing control - of my emotions, trauma responses in my body, and thinking patterns.

I would definitely identify as an over-controlled person. I love using planners, spreadsheets, and color coding. I love knowing exactly what is going to happen and when.

There is little we have control over in postpartum.

We can’t control how our babies gain weight or how long they sleep. We can’t control the postpartum hormones or unhelpful comments we get from family. 

So, experiencing intrusive thoughts on top of that wrecked me. My eating disorder came calling. 

One of the most common things I have seen in my work is the desire for a postpartum person to feel like themselves again - how they felt before they even became pregnant. 

I have seen people diet and exercise, working towards their pre-pregnancy weight, hoping they will find *themselves* when they reach that number.

What people find, all too often, is reaching that number is not the fix to how they are feeling. 

I am sure you can guess why. 

First, because it is *never* about the number on the scale. It is *always* something deeper.

And second, because you aren’t the same person anymore. You have gone through the labyrinth of pregnancy and birth, coming out into the maze of parenthood, completely anew. 

Which can feel so exciting, and scary.

Focusing on weight may feel like a nice distraction, but it won’t be the answer to what you are searching for - which, most likely, is *yourself*.

I could hear my eating disorder in the corner of my mind:

“Hey there, I can help… Let me take over… Just for a little bit… You will feel better”

It felt so tempting - To feel like I had control of *something* at that point. 

As an eating disorder therapist, I knew this was a false promise. Sure, things might feel better for a brief period of time; but I knew I would be causing more harm, in the long-term.

Saying ‘no’ to my eating disorder was not simple. It was not a one time thing. It was a repeated practice, almost every single day.

On days when I was home alone during my mental health leave from work, my eating disorder would say, “Hey, you could skip lunch and no one would know.”

But I would know. And I knew in my bones that was not the path I wanted to take.

So, every day I made the conscious decision to nourish myself and my body, despite what my thoughts said.

And every day, as I went through trauma therapy and got onto the right dosage of medication, my thoughts became less frequent and less scary. 

I finally felt more like myself again, and it didn’t require focusing on my weight, body, and food. 

It required focusing on nourishing my body, reaching out for support, tending to my needs, and having compassion and patience for myself.