My Experience With Birth Trauma

Being the person that I am, it was important to me to prepare myself - both physically and emotionally - for growing, birthing, and raising a human.

As a therapist, I knew it would be beneficial to be in my own therapy throughout this process, so I found a therapist before I got pregnant.

As an athletic person, I knew I wanted to feel strong for the birthing process, so I stayed physically active throughout my pregnancy.

As an expectant mother, I did all the research to prepare myself for childbirth, such as learning about the different medical interventions that may be needed.

At the same time, I minimized and dismissed the physical and mental health challenges that could occur. 

I told myself that I am a young and healthy person - what are the chances that I would experience any physical or mental health conditions?

In the weeks leading up to my first daughter’s birth, I had this intuitive feeling that something was wrong.

I had multiple non-stress tests done, and the results came back as ‘normal’, every time. But something still didn’t feel quite right.

Then, when I was 39+2 weeks pregnant, I asked my coworker (who was a nurse) to take my blood pressure.

160/100. I had severe pre-eclampsia. 

I immediately went to the hospital and was admitted.

I was terrified. I couldn’t believe this was happening to me. 

I thought, because I was young and healthy, this couldn’t happen to me. 

And, I am so glad I trusted my intuition and sought help. 

The next few days were busy with many medical interventions I am grateful I had access to. And the moment my daughter entered this world was absolute perfection.

What happened next was something else I couldn’t have predicted…

About 1 to 5 of every 100 birth parents experience a hemorrhage after childbirth. 

I did not think it could happen to me.

A friend of mine had a hemorrhage during her childbirth, and I can still remember telling myself while I was pregnant, “What are the chances it could happen to two people in the same friend group?”

I know, I know, this is not a sound statistical analysis.

Regardless, I did not think it would happen to me.

And then it did.

As soon as my daughter entered this world, and she and I were in another realm together, the doctor told me I was hemorrhaging. 

I stared at the little white spots on my daughter’s nose, not having any concept of the gravity of what was happening.

What happened over the next several hours was very scary, and I am so grateful for the incredible care I received from my doctor and nurses. 

At the time, I wanted to believe that what had happened to me did not affect me.

I wanted to be simply grateful for having a healthy, happy baby.

Yet, this experience left me feeling like a shell of a person; ghostly white and fragile. 

It also had a detrimental impact on my milk supply. Something I would continue to grieve throughout my postpartum. 

So, something I wished I had done then: I wished I had asked for more help. 

I moved on, trying to prove to myself I was OK. Rather than allowing myself time to rest and heal. 

So, if any of this resonates with you, my heart is with you. What happened to you was traumatic. 

I wish you time to allow yourself to rest and heal. 

And, you are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well. Check out the Postpartum Support International website for more information and resources.