My Experience With Intrusive Thoughts in Postpartum

Content warning: Descriptive Postpartum Intrusive Thoughts

At around 4 months postpartum, after I went back to work, I started to notice I felt ‘off’.

It was like a slow boil and, before I knew it, I felt like I was hit by a freight train with intrusive thoughts.

One day, as I was on a walk with my baby, I had this *vivid* image in my mind of walking across the street and a car coming and crashing into the stroller.

Then, I began to see the image of her going over the railing of a bridge, crashing onto the busy roads below.

Instead of talking about these thoughts, and bringing them up in therapy, I kept them to myself for months, because I felt so ashamed.

I pushed these thoughts aside, hoping that I would get better over time. Instead, the thoughts got worse.

I felt like I was drowning in ‘what if’ questions:

What if my daycare is abusing my baby? (They weren’t)

What if I get into a car accident on the way to work and never see my baby again?

What if my baby gets hurt?

What if *I* hurt my baby?

That last one destroyed me. My mental health fell apart at that point, and I couldn’t turn it around on my own. 

It felt like my brain was broken and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Trying to push through just increased my stress, and the more stress I felt, the more frequent and intense my thoughts were.

It was a vicious cycle.

It was when I reached out to Postpartum Support International when I could finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.

PSI gave me hope.

If any of this is resonating with you…

You are not alone. You are not to blame. With help, you will be well.

Call or text the Postpartum Support International HelpLine at 800-944-4773. You never need a diagnosis to ask for help.