Why Do We Sometimes Feel Triggered By Our Kids?

I am sure most of you have heard of the term, empathy, which is the practice of being with another in their experience - feeling with them in their emotions, and ‘sitting beside’ them so they feel less alone. 

Fusion, on the other hand, can be defined as the process of two or more things combining and becoming one. So how does this compare to empathy? When we fuse with another person in their experience, we are not able to separate what is - and what is not - ours to hold, and we take on this person’s experience as if it were directly happening to ourselves.

So, what does empathy vs. fusion look like in our relationships with our children? 

In parenting, it is vital that we are able to empathize with our children; to feel with them in their big feelings; and help them feel seen in their experiences. However, when we fuse with our children, it is difficult to separate what is ours and what is theirs. 

For example, if you were told to “stop crying” or were sent to your room when you felt big emotions as a child, emotion regulation was not modeled for you, and it may feel very uncomfortable to be with your child in their big feelings. 

Fusion would look like you feeling dysregulated alongside your child, unable to tolerate their - and your - big feelings, and you may end up repeating what your parents did in order to, hopefully, end the discomfort (i.e., tell them to “stop crying” or send them to their room). 

Empathy is a back and forth; to be able to be with your child in their feelings, while also being able to come back to yourself and tap into your adult perspective of the situation. It is recognizing you are no longer a powerless child in the dynamic with your parents, but rather you are an autonomous adult who has a say and can feel empowered, regardless of big feelings.

So how can we make a positive change? Awareness is the first step. I created a resource you can use to help you identify triggering events, recognize what core beliefs are being activated, and how to create a cope-ahead plan. Click here and get access to this resource!